Posts

Courage

What is courage? It is...  Getting out of bed in the morning.  Standing up for yourself and setting boundaries.  Braving the mental storm in your head during anxiety/panic.  Being kind and accepting of all people.  Protecting yourself from toxic people and relationships.  What is courage?  It is not...  Being stubborn or inflexible.  Letting people walk all over you. Masking or hiding your emotions.  Giving up.  Running away from your problems.  I am both courageous and cowardly -  In the same minute, hour and day.  ***This was originally written in 2016. When I came back and reread it in 2023, I realized how much I have changed - my life and values, even my spirituality. So I rewrote the post to better suit what I believe now. 

Tired

I am tired - Tired of trying Tired of being quiet Of giving and giving Of being trampled  Of loving people with no return Tired of needless suffering Tired of hypocrisy Tired of everything in life feeling like a scam Of speaking but never being heard Of people needing me Tired of lies and more lies Of watching people ruin their lives for nothing Of feeling like the only sane person on the planet Tired of church and unanswered prayers Tired of being told what to do but never asked how I am doing I am tired of life...at 39 years old. I thought it would take a lot longer before I felt this way. I want to feel like life just began - I have a new baby, a new home. I could have a new lease on life but I am so tired. I can't escape the craziness around me - whether it's with my own family, community, or country.  I am tired, so very tired. 

what if

What if I said that I don't know what I believe anymore What if I said I gave years to God when I was younger and now look at me - worse for the wear What if I said I was thinking about trying something else.. Some other religion, belief What if I said I still want to believe in God but I don't know how to anymore  What if I said I was afraid of what people would think if I actually said these things What if I said that I watched u all my life and I'm still not convinced  What if I said that the younger faithfilled version of me wasn't real... Or I don't know anymore if it was real  What if I said I don't believe anymore What if I said these what ifs don't matter

Day 6 - Try something new

I thought about this over the weekend and I am going to try it for a while and see how it goes. Every day I will reach out to two people in my life - from work or friends/family, maybe even someone I haven't spoken to in a long time. I will just ask them how they are doing or tell them I hope they have a good day. I hope by reach out and trying to focus on others more, it will in turn help me feel more accomplished and less focused on myself and my insecurities.

Day 5 - not really but who cares

All I want is to be the best or at least better version of myself, but all my attempts at change fail. So what is the point? I can stay in my house and play animal crossing the rest of my life. Do I really need to experience life? What is life anyways? What's so great about it? Every day that passes is just another failure that confirms that I am a failure. It's who I am. Maybe that's the reason I can never change. 

Day 4 of 182

I'm tired. And sometimes it hits me..  My dad is gone.  I won't see his face again..  At least in this world.  It's still like a punch to the gut when I remember these facts.  I'm tired and I want my dad back. 

Day 3 of 182

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I'm trying. I can honestly say I am trying. But it all still feels like too much. Either I put in 100% at work or 100% at home, but I can't do both. I see what I've accomplished and I try to be proud - tell myself I have done something good, but the failures loom too large in my sight. If I let it, the depression seeps out. I use the words seeps because I imagine it as this black sticky goop that follows me and seeps through all the cracks and door frames. I can't escape it. Only close the door for a respite. I try to block it. I distract, distract but sometimes that's not enough. How do you face failure and depression - Two looming monsters on your shoulders? I've been dealing with both for quite a while and I don't have a good answer. All I can do is try. Wake up, take a deep breath, and face the day as best as I can.