" Any patch of sunlight in a wood will show you something about the sun which you could never get from reading books on astronomy. These pure and spontaneous pleasures are 'patches of godlight' in the woods of our experience."

Sunday, October 26, 2014

15 years ago everything was normal.
I was a regular teenage girl,
but something happened one Halloween -
a friend of mine died.
From that moment on
everything changed,
I saw the world in a different light.

For a while I couldn't sleep
I couldn't be alone
I couldn't be in the dark.
All I could see was his face
moments after we found him.
It was like 
I was being haunted 
by a ghost.

Is it true what they say?
That time heals all wounds?
Slowly I did heal
little by little
My heart was back together 
but I would never be the same.

Some years I'm OK.
Halloween breezes by
and I don't even notice.
But some years,
you haunt me.
I can't turn around 
I can't look at a calendar
I can't walk by Halloween decorations 
without seeing your face.

Why did this happen?
You were too young
and so was I.
And sometimes,
when no one is around...
I still cry.

But then I wipe away my tears
and I remember the good things.
I remember your smile
your silly jokes,
the way the teachers always sat us together
and I groaned 
but still helped you with your homework.

Mostly I remember that day
when I said something awful to you.
I didn't know why
but I knew I had to apologize.
You accepted it gracefully
with that smile
 and a few days later 
you were gone.

I'm so glad I had a chance
to tell you I was sorry.
I wish I could have said more.

Monday, October 6, 2014

I'll never forget that day when everything went dark. I didn't go blind physically, but emotionally. You fell from the sky, knocking out all my sight. Of course at the time, I didn't realize what had happened. All I knew what there was this man overshadowing everything else. You were so big, so important but so mysterious. You saved my life that day. When you told me the truth of who you were, that you could show me the stars in your blue box, I knew I had to go with you. Who could pass up the opportunity to see all of time and space, everything that ever was?

I suppose you knew what would happen to me. You knew you were taking me into darkness. But I was eager and friendly. You needed that - a friend - someone to pull you out of the dark. Everything you showed me was so amazing, one adventure after another. Yet it all paled in comparison with you. You were the shining star, blinding me.

But then you sent me away with your blue box - back home, back to life and light. I couldn't believe it. How could you?? You sent me away when you knew that you would die!  I was stuck with your box! No way to return. No way to save you. All I could think was how much I loved you, how you had saved me- literally and figuratively, how it wasn't right that you should be off in some galaxy sacrificing yourself for me...for everyone. I was completely helpless, until I remembered one way I could get back to you. I knew it was possible that I would die but it would be worth it if I saved you. After all, weren't you more important than me?

So I came back for you. I flew the blue box across the universe. When I found you, I erased all your enemies. I took life and I gave life. I had too much power. The darkness was killing me. I don't remember much of what happened, except that you kissed me. Our first kiss! I had been waiting for this moment for so long, but I didn't know that this kiss would be the end of you. You took the darkness from me and you were reborn from it.

The next thing I remembered was you, only it was a different you. Different face, different hair, even a different body. But was it the same man I loved? 

Yes, you were the same in many ways but different too. A good different. Softer, kinder, and lighthearted. I fell even more in love with you than before. Things were so wonderful for us for a long while.  But eventually we were torn apart...it seemed the universe wanted to rip me away from you again.

Even in that last goodbye, you still couldn't say it. You couldn't say those 3 words I desperately wanted to hear you say. The worst part is I had something to tell you too. That I carried a life in my stomach, one we had created together. So you see, those tears you saw that day weren't just for you but for the child that would never know his father. The child I had to raise on my own....part human, part Time Lord. 

So I want you to know that I'll never forget you and I'll always love you. I know you doubted it when you brought me a copy of yourself. I know you thought when I kissed him that I no longer loved you. Maybe you felt regret that I would forever be his instead of yours. But all I could think was how he wasn't you and he never would be you. But I knew he loved me and I needed a father for my child. What better father than an exact copy of you?

And so I send this letter out into the stars, hoping that someday, maybe you will stumble upon it. You'll know that I still love you and that I'm happy....as happy as one can be without her Doctor and his blue box.

*Inspired by Doctor Who and the Florence and the Machine song, "Cosmic Love"