This week I have been struggling with humiliation and embarrassment. I never thought I was the type of person who would suffer so much under these conditions but I have been sick to my stomach and randomly crying.
Most of you probably know that I am a new teacher. I became certified to teach English as a second language in June of this past summer. I didn't begin teaching until the last week of August. I am teaching two classes, both from separate employers. I understand that being a teacher requires you to be scrutinized and observed occasionally. I'm OK with that as I know I still need a lot of help and improvement of my skills. Of course, it's necessary for your employer to make sure things are up to their standards.
I found out yesterday shortly before one of my classes that I would be observed. This caused me to become very nervous. I hadn't planned and prepared as thoroughly as normal and I was having technical difficulties with my printer at home. I didn't get very far into my lesson before the person observing me asked me to stop and then took over my class and began teaching. I was mortified, terribly embarrassed and humiliated. It took all my strength just to keep myself together and not run out of the room crying. After about 30 minutes of this, she then attempted to hand the class back over to me. I had no idea where to begin or what to do, which I expressed to her. She seemed upset that I mentioned this, so I tried to continue. Then at the end of the class, the woman left with only a goodbye.
I cried the entire way home while I was driving. When I got home, I knew I had to talk to her but there was no way I could speak to her on the phone or face to face so I emailed her. I tried to explain that I was very nervous about her being there. I basically bared my soul to this woman that I barely know. However, I never heard back from her. I spent the rest of the evening in a tizzy. When I reached out to her again via text today, she told me she was planning to email me back this afternoon but that was all she said. At this point, I am at a loss. I am still very upset. I am crying and praying, hoping to hear from her soon. I texted her once more to let her know that I was still very upset and I needed to hear something from her as to how she was feeling before tomorrow when I am supposed to teach again and also see her for our weekly meeting. Still I have heard nothing from her.
My emotions have been all over the place the past 24 hours. Yes, I have been praying and reading my Bible. I have received messages, phone calls and texts of encouragement with promises of prayers. I'm very appreciative of all these things. But the embarrassment and the humiliation seem to be determined to follow me around, which is why I am writing this post.
I feel like a complete and utter failure. I am humiliated and sad. I have a permanent lump in my throat and my chest hurts, not like a heart attack but like I am heart sick. My confidence is completely shredded. I don't want to face either of my classes tomorrow. I don't know how to shake these feelings. I am trying to rely on God and pray. No matter what I do, where I go, or how I try to distract myself, I can't shake my heart free of these feelings of inadequacy and humiliation.
One thing keeps coming to my mind - that song I learned many years ago when I was a kid - "He's still working on me to make me what I oughta be." I don't know why this happened or even what I'm learning or going to learn from this except that I am still a work in progress and I have to try my hardest to lean on Him and WAIT for Him. He is coming to save me, even if He's not as quick as Superman. He working on this situation and working on me. That's all I have to cling to right now. I'm hanging on for dear life because if I let go, I might drown.