" Any patch of sunlight in a wood will show you something about the sun which you could never get from reading books on astronomy. These pure and spontaneous pleasures are 'patches of godlight' in the woods of our experience."

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Where's peace when I need it?

As I begin this new week, my heart and soul are still feeling the effects of everything that happened last week, included a car wreck on Friday morning. My stomach is in turmoil, thinking about having to teach and also thinking about only having one car for the foreseeable future. I feel like my chest is being crushed on a continuing basis. I don't know how to shake these feelings. I distract myself as best I can during the day, but the moment I am still, all the memories from this last week come flooding back. I see myself crashing, literally and figuratively. It plays over and over in my head like a broken record. I know with time these feelings will go away. That's how it always works. But time isn't passing quick enough for me.

So I sit here and write this blog post. I honestly don't know what's going to happen over the next few weeks and months. My husband and I have a lot to work on and try to change in our lives.

I know I don't deserve it, but I look up to God and I pray, "Please, Lord, I need a break!" I just need one moment of peace in my heart and mind. I can't seem to find it anywhere. I know He is here with me, because I don't think I would be alive right now if He wasn't. But He's not giving me peace. He is allowing me to suffer mentally and emotionally right now for some reason. I have to trust in that. I have to trust in the fact that I know He is here and He is in control. Otherwise, I might just walk away and give up.

It's one of those times when you have to say to yourself, "In two weeks, this will be over." "In a month, you'll be fine." "This too shall pass." There will come a time in the future when all this mess, hurt and pain will be finished. I'll be free from it and things will return to normal. I have to keep reminding myself of that.

"The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; Blessed be the name of the Lord." Job 1:21