As I begin this new week, my heart and soul are still feeling the effects of everything that happened last week, included a car wreck on Friday morning. My stomach is in turmoil, thinking about having to teach and also thinking about only having one car for the foreseeable future. I feel like my chest is being crushed on a continuing basis. I don't know how to shake these feelings. I distract myself as best I can during the day, but the moment I am still, all the memories from this last week come flooding back. I see myself crashing, literally and figuratively. It plays over and over in my head like a broken record. I know with time these feelings will go away. That's how it always works. But time isn't passing quick enough for me.
So I sit here and write this blog post. I honestly don't know what's going to happen over the next few weeks and months. My husband and I have a lot to work on and try to change in our lives.
I know I don't deserve it, but I look up to God and I pray, "Please, Lord, I need a break!" I just need one moment of peace in my heart and mind. I can't seem to find it anywhere. I know He is here with me, because I don't think I would be alive right now if He wasn't. But He's not giving me peace. He is allowing me to suffer mentally and emotionally right now for some reason. I have to trust in that. I have to trust in the fact that I know He is here and He is in control. Otherwise, I might just walk away and give up.
It's one of those times when you have to say to yourself, "In two weeks, this will be over." "In a month, you'll be fine." "This too shall pass." There will come a time in the future when all this mess, hurt and pain will be finished. I'll be free from it and things will return to normal. I have to keep reminding myself of that.
"The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; Blessed be the name of the Lord." Job 1:21