Patches of Godlite

What is courage? It is...  Getting out of bed in the morning.  Standing up for yourself and setting boundaries.  Braving the mental storm in your head during anxiety/panic.  Being kind and accepting of all people.  Protecting yourself from toxic people and relationships.  What is courage?  It is not...  Being stubborn or inflexible.  Letting people walk all over you. Masking or hiding your emotions.  Giving up.  Running away from your problems.  I am both courageous and cowardly -  In the same minute, hour and day.  ***This was originally written in 2016. When I came back and reread it in 2023, I realized how much I have changed - my life and values, even my spirituality. So I rewrote the post to better suit what I believe now. 

I am tired - Tired of trying Tired of being quiet Of giving and giving Of being trampled  Of loving people with no return Tired of needless suffering Tired of hypocrisy Tired of everything in life feeling like a scam Of speaking but never being heard Of people needing me Tired of lies and more lies Of watching people ruin their lives for nothing Of feeling like the only sane person on the planet Tired of church and unanswered prayers Tired of being told what to do but never asked how I am doing I am tired of life...at 39 years old. I thought it would take a lot longer before I felt this way. I want to feel like life just began - I have a new baby, a new home. I could have a new lease on life but I am so tired. I can't escape the craziness around me - whether it's with my own family, community, or country.  I am tired, so very tired. 

What if I said that I don't know what I believe anymore What if I said I gave years to God when I was younger and now look at me - worse for the wear What if I said I was thinking about trying something else.. Some other religion, belief What if I said I still want to believe in God but I don't know how to anymore  What if I said I was afraid of what people would think if I actually said these things What if I said that I watched u all my life and I'm still not convinced  What if I said that the younger faithfilled version of me wasn't real... Or I don't know anymore if it was real  What if I said I don't believe anymore What if I said these what ifs don't matter