Patches of Godlite

As I begin this new week, my heart and soul are still feeling the effects of everything that happened last week, included a car wreck on Friday morning. My stomach is in turmoil, thinking about having to teach and also thinking about only having one car for the foreseeable future. I feel like my chest is being crushed on a continuing basis. I don't know how to shake these feelings. I distract myself as best I can during the day, but the moment I am still, all the memories from this last week come flooding back. I see myself crashing, literally and figuratively. It plays over and over in my head like a broken record. I know with time these feelings will go away. That's how it always works. But time isn't passing quick enough for me. So I sit here and write this blog post. I honestly don't know what's going to happen over the next few weeks and months. My husband and I have a lot to work on and try to change in our lives. I know I don't deserve it, but I look

This week I have been struggling with humiliation and embarrassment. I never thought I was the type of person who would suffer so much under these conditions but I have been sick to my stomach and randomly crying. Most of you probably know that I am a new teacher. I became certified to teach English as a second language in June of this past summer. I didn't begin teaching until the last week of August. I am teaching two classes, both from separate employers. I understand that being a teacher requires you to be scrutinized and observed occasionally. I'm OK with that as I know I still need a lot of help and improvement of my skills. Of course, it's necessary for your employer to make sure things are up to their standards. I found out yesterday shortly before one of my classes that I would be observed. This caused me to become very nervous. I hadn't planned and prepared as thoroughly as normal and I was having technical difficulties with my printer at home. I didn'

I made a decision when I turned *cough*31*cough* a few days ago. (Just pretend I said 29!) I decided that it's time to be transparent with the world. It's time to share all my struggles with my family, my friends and any others who may venture to this blog. Life is too hard and too short to try to carry all your burdens alone. That's exactly what I've been doing for most of my 31 years. I don't know why I feel the need to always pretend like everything is OK on the outside when on the inside I am dying. I know someone else out there in the world has went through what I'm going through. If I would open up and share, then I would find help and encouragement from someone who has suffered the same way! What's that old saying? Misery loves company. So maybe someone out there is going through the exact same thing as me RIGHT NOW! Wouldn't it be great to be able to share with them? Have a little pity party and then encourage each other. More importantly, op

Hope - it's such a small thing, a tiny seed planted in the heart. At times, it blossoms and grows into a lovely flower. The heart swells with the fullness of the bloom. Things seem better during these times. The fuller the bloom, the happier the heart. Sometimes, the flower dies. The precious earth that surrounds the seed dries up. The heart becomes dry and cold. Things couldn't be worse. Maybe the heart weeps from a loss or rages from injustice. Either way, emptiness and sadness follow. It's such a small thing that affects our everyday lives. If the flower is blossoming and healthy, then the monotony of every day life seems easier. The sun shines brighter and the sky seems bluer, even when in fact, they remain as sunny and as blue as always. Tweeting birds appear to share our hope. Even thunderstorms can't dampen the flower. The heart is amazed and refreshed by the storm. If the flower has died and the heart grown cold, the affect is quite the opposite. All the b

My heart is crushed Cracked open for all to see Bruised by those closest to me My broken heart - I'm losing the pieces - Help! Too much pain, Piercing and cutting me apart. Every day passes normally, But inside the pain haunts me. Death would be easier to understand. I'm dragging around a heavy load. I try to let it go I pretend it's not there But I stumble, And I feel it crashing into me. Is this my fate too? Will this happen to me? Will I abandon the ones I love? Will my heart turn to stone? I can make my own choices. That's what I'm told That's what I used to think, But now...what if it's my fate To follow in your footsteps? Can love be forgotten? Can love leave so easily? I never believed it - until now. Your decision makes everything seem pointless. Does it mean you love me less? I think it means that I love you less... So maybe I am like you, Maybe my fate is the same. I pray to God it's not, I pray that He save

            As a child, I always enjoyed history class. My teacher was engaging and always seemed to bring the stories to life. I believe this is what originally sparked my interesting in learning about different cultures. I was always fascinated when missionaries would come speak at my church and talk about the country they were serving in, but I never thought I could be the person ministering to those people.   I always believed that this was a job meant for those picked by God, and I would not be one of them. However, one summer at a National church conference, I sat and listened to a former pastor speak about different cultures , and about how many people had never heard about God and they did not have a Bible in their language. I was shocked by the numbers, I felt God speaking to my heart, telling me He wanted me to be one of those people who go and tell those who have never heard about Him.                 After that, I signed up for a missions trip for the next summer after

Just 3 months ago, I was writing posts celebrating Christmas and the birth of Jesus. Such a joyous time Christmas is. It's one of my favorite times of the year. Now just a few short months later, Easter is upon us. For us, only a few months pass between celebrating a birth and celebrating a death. It sounds so gruesome to think of it as celebrating Jesus' death. But death is a huge part of why Christ came to earth. Without his shed blood, we would be hopelessly lost. Yet death is such a scary thing for us. At least, it is to me, even though I am a Christian. It's something I fight with myself about constantly. Something I have to pray about consistently. I have to ask God to take away my fear of death, to remind me that He is waiting for me on the other side and I have nothing to fear. And yet my flesh is so weak and so scared. But just think about Jesus up on that cross - think about how much pain he was in, how he was suffering physically and spiritually. And remembe

Some days are like springtime, warm and fresh, Gentle breezes blowing, sun smiling down . Birds singing and flowers blooming, Everything seems perfect, like nothing can go wrong.  But dark clouds gather quickly and the sky is torn open By harsh rain and lightning. Your perfect day can be ruined in a flash of clouds and rain. Just remember who controls the storm - Remember He planned it all. He knows the moment it will stop And He can tell the sun to return. He gives sunshine and rain, flowers and puddles, lightning and rainbows. He knows when you need a perfect day And when you need rain.  He is with you always in the storm and in the sun. Don't forget Him during the good times, Because He is thinking of you. He gave you the perfect day - Remember to thank Him.  And thank Him during the storm as well. Don't be frightened because He is holding you and the storm in His hands. He knows when you need a perfect day And when you need ra

Winters are not endless, Valleys are not infinite. Storms come and go quickly, Nighttime lasts only a short while. Winter is brutal but think of the snow, glittering and white. Each snowflake created to be different and special. Think of Christmas and all the lights. Think of hot tea and cocoa shared late at night. Think of the trees that remain green through the cold, like a splash of color meant for you. Valleys can be treacherous and dark, but think of the green countryside with blooming flowers to see. Think of calming rain showers brought to refresh you. Think of a bubbling brook singing just for you. Think of the view - oh the view of the mountains - majestic and bright, topped with shining snow. Storms are frightening, wind howling and rain crashing. But think of  how quickly they pass, especially a summer storm. Think of the lovely sun shining soon. Think of that fresh smell of the grass and trees right after their shower. And think of a rainbow glowing in the sky, re

I hid myself Built a wall around my heart I ran, thinking my problems would just go away. I let the gate slam shut, Pulled up the drawbridge, Determined to keep You out. I needed to escape, That was my excuse Time to myself Time to be free But instead I bound myself up in larger chains Confined myself to the darkest dungeon. But You never left You were always there Watching and waiting Arms open wide You knew I would return. I grew weary of my race Tired of seeking escape My chains became heavier As did my heart. Everywhere I turned, I saw You. In the strangest places- A book, a poem A movie, a song You presented Yourself to me. And each time My wall began to crack The locks on my chains began to rust I felt my heart beat in response to Your love. Then I realized my mistake You are my escape In You I can be free No more running, Except straight into Your arms.

Women vs. Women. It's something that has been a plague on our society for a long time. It seems with the influx of social media, it has become an even bigger issue. I've been sitting on this blog post for a while, and I think now is a good time to publish it. If you are a woman reading this, please think about the way you act/react to women around you. Women have been the underdog of society for a long time and it's important that we support each other and not tear each other down.   Inadequate Jealous Lonely Intimidated Ugly For a long time, I applied those words to myself. I thought I was the lesser person...or the worthless person. I wasn't as good as you. Not as pretty. Not as talented. I was invisible... But now I realize that you are the one all those words describe. You were making me feel this way because you feel these things about yourself. And the only way for you to feel better Was for me to feel equally as bad or worse. But not any

"Step out of the boat" He beckons to me. "Step out on faith Come follow me!" But the storm is surging, The waves crashing He is obscured By a wall of rain. It is too dark And I am afraid, I will be swallowed up By the waves Yet He still calls. I see His figure Walking on the water "Have faith in me!" So I step out - For a moment, I rest in His gaze I see him clearly Through the haze How swiftly a moment passes! Peace is torn from my grasp! I notice the wind and waves Lightning crashes overhead. I begin to sink...  But I don't turn back. I keep facing Him I may be crushed in the depths, But I saw Him Felt the peace of His loving gaze It was worth it. Then He is there Grasping my hand Pulling me upwards Into His arms "Be still now I am here." As He holds me close I realize - My faith has made me whole.