Patches of Godlite

I thought about this over the weekend and I am going to try it for a while and see how it goes. Every day I will reach out to two people in my life - from work or friends/family, maybe even someone I haven't spoken to in a long time. I will just ask them how they are doing or tell them I hope they have a good day. I hope by reach out and trying to focus on others more, it will in turn help me feel more accomplished and less focused on myself and my insecurities.

All I want is to be the best or at least better version of myself, but all my attempts at change fail. So what is the point? I can stay in my house and play animal crossing the rest of my life. Do I really need to experience life? What is life anyways? What's so great about it? Every day that passes is just another failure that confirms that I am a failure. It's who I am. Maybe that's the reason I can never change. 

I'm tired. And sometimes it hits me..  My dad is gone.  I won't see his face again..  At least in this world.  It's still like a punch to the gut when I remember these facts.  I'm tired and I want my dad back. 

I'm trying. I can honestly say I am trying. But it all still feels like too much. Either I put in 100% at work or 100% at home, but I can't do both. I see what I've accomplished and I try to be proud - tell myself I have done something good, but the failures loom too large in my sight. If I let it, the depression seeps out. I use the words seeps because I imagine it as this black sticky goop that follows me and seeps through all the cracks and door frames. I can't escape it. Only close the door for a respite. I try to block it. I distract, distract but sometimes that's not enough. How do you face failure and depression - Two looming monsters on your shoulders? I've been dealing with both for quite a while and I don't have a good answer. All I can do is try. Wake up, take a deep breath, and face the day as best as I can.

I've found the joys in life come from the smallest of things - A ray of sunlight drifting in through your living room window, a cozy cat curled in his bed snoring, singing along to your favorite song. Some days the only thing you can do is look around and enjoy those little things. Think about how lucky you are to be alive. I tend to be more pessimistic so I have to force myself to find those things that I enjoy, those little things that make me smile or wonder or wish or hope. Those are the things that get you through the day sometimes. Life is full of monotony and repetition but you can find some little thing that helps, just a little thing that brings you joy. So look around and think about how lucky you are to be alive right now.

Change your life! Everyone throws those words around like it's so easy to do. Live your dreams! Again - thrown around by everyone but is anyone actually doing it? Social media is a scam, a fake, a lie. Do you even know the person who lays by your side? The only realistic thing to say would be this - Try. If you fail one day, try again the next. You can still dream. Look up at the stars and hope. The only way to truly "change" is to simply try. Do the next right thing - one minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time. The present is really all we have. Past is over and future never comes. Put down your phone - Pick up a book,  a pen, a paintbrush. Look at your loved ones and talk with them. Try every day. Try again and again.