Transparency is here and it isn't pretty. I haven't posted anything in a while because I felt like I had nothing to say. This has been on my mind a lot lately and I feel like I need to put my story out there.
Over the past few years, I have been struggling spiritually. I haven't been attending church regularly, haven't been reading my Bible or praying regularly. I've mostly been questioning everything I've ever believed. There have been moments of clarity and renewal - moments where I'm on top of the mountain. I believe, I trust, I pray and I know God is there with me... BUT...
Most of the moments have been the opposite...Is God here? I don't know. I can't tell. I go weeks without talking to Him and He to me. I go weeks without even thinking about Him. I honestly don't know what I believe anymore. If you can't tell, I am at one of those low points right now - possibly the lowest I have ever been. Yesterday, I cried a lot. I cried because everything feels pointless. I cried because I hate myself and what I have become. I cried because I don't know what to think or feel or believe anymore. I am trapped and I don't know where God is. I don't know what I'm doing with my life and I want out of this mess.
So I am writing this so you will know the truth about me - I am not some good, upbeat, loving Christian. I am broken!! I have withered away inside - my heart is as black as night. I am struggling so much that I am afraid I will give up. I don't want to give up, but I am clinging to a tiny thread amidst a storm tossed sea. I feel like the man in the Bible who asked Jesus, "I believe! Help my unbelief!"
Each time I think, "What's the point? Why am I believing in God? How do I know He's really out there? How do I know He loves me?" I remember this little, brown haired girl sitting in a small church in Batesville, Arkansas listening to a man named James Forlines preach about Heaven and Hell. I remember that little girl going home and asking her mother to help her to be saved because she didn't want to go to Hell. She was so afraid, yet she believed. She trusted that God would save her from that place. She trusted that He was real, so real. She believed every thing the Bible said about Him. She believed that He loved her. When I remember that, my breath catches, tears spring into my eyes and all I can think is that I can't discount what little Cherith believed!! I can't throw out her faith. She trusted in God all those years ago. Her childlike faith saved me! It's still there, that faith, somewhere in this old, stone heart of mine and for some reason I can't let it go. So every time I have those thoughts of disbelief, I grab onto my memories and I think of little Cherith, her tiny seed of faith and I pray, "Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief."
** I know a lot of you who are reading this pray for me, whether it be daily or only occasionally when I ask for it on Facebook and I want you to PLEASE keep praying. Thank you! **